Suicide Seiyuu: “With My Face Like This I Can’t Go Back”
- Categories: Anime, News
- Date: Jun 25, 2014 05:53 JST
- Tags: Idol, Mental Illness, Production Controversy, Seiyuu, Suicide
Seiyuu Saori Hayashi’s failed attempt to hang herself has shocked many – and even more so thanks to the suicide selfie and disturbing writings she left after the attempt, lamenting that “with my face like this after hanging myself, I can never go back to being a seiyuu.”
28-year-old seiyuu Saori Hayashi, best known for such memorable roles as “Schoolgirl B” and “Child,” the highlight of her career being a 2013 roles as “Kumi” in Hajime no Ippo: Rising, has now sadly eclipsed her fame as a seiyuu several times over by unsuccessfully attempting to hang herself.
Formerly attached to agency “Atomic Monkey” and most recently AXL One, her sobering retirement proclamation includes a surprising amount of detail (along with a photo of herself after the attempt), whilst hinting at circumstances which can only be guessed at:
I, Saori Hayashi, have caused my fans and staff huge amounts of trouble and worry though my actions, it is truly inexcusable.
Especially everyone connected with AXL One, I only just joined you and I caused all this fuss, I’m so sorry. Atomic Monkey did nothing wrong. What I wrote was just the persecution complex of someone who was depressed. Not one thing have they done wrong. No company is as wonderful as they are. Atomic Monkey is so generous and tolerant, I am deeply thankful.
Atomic Monkey opened my eyes. I am so deeply grateful to Atomic Monkey for changing my life. After trying to end my own life and ending up with a face like this after hanging myself, I can never go back to being a seiyuu, but I am truly, truly grateful to all those who supported me until now.
Saori Hayashi is retiring.
Also, Saori Hayashi has left AXL One so please stop asking them about this matter. I quit and have had nothing more to do with AXL One. Thanks for everything up to now.
Goodbye.
A fairly disturbing post-attempt missive from the seiyuu has been attracting some attention as well, apparently directed in no small part towards whoever interrupted her hanging:
If you mess up your suicide, you’re in for a real world of hurt.
When they put an artificial respirator on you it hurts and hurts and is far worse than death.
So everybody, I suggest you do not commit suicide.
You cause a real nuisance to everyone around you, and it is seriously expensive paying for the ambulance and hospitalisation.
You may also be forced to pay damages depending on how you did it.
But if you happen to witness a suicide, please leave them be.
If you help them, you’ll cause them a world of hurt.
This is just my opinion so it doesn’t matter whether it is right or wrong.
In any case, messing up your suicide causes you an immense amount of trouble so let’s not try it.
Her posts were all swiftly deleted, prompting her final post in which she states that “I write and write and it’s all deleted. I have no freedom to talk, do I? Fine. Relax, I’ll never open my mouth again.”
Needless to say, just what happened to prompt all this has been the subject of intense (and not infrequently callous) speculation online:
“What the hell happened to cause all this!”
“What she has to say about Atomic Monkey is pretty damn scary.”
“Was this over a guy, perhaps?”
“Hard to see it being anything than something the agency forced her to do.”
“Agencies forcing their girls to provide sexual services is a well known issue. Something like that was involved, perhaps.”
“Those posts sound about as bad as it could get. To say nothing of brain damage and depression. Stay offline and maybe you can recuperate! I’m more concerned about what Atomic Monkey did to change her life…”
“Her face is like that because she is suffering depression, not because of the attempt, I would think. Besides, for seiyuu it is your voice and not your face which matters!”
“It’s your face nowadays…”
“No company called ‘Atomic Monkey’ could possibly be legit.”
“Someone wasted no time in deleting all her posts, that is for sure.”
“If you are retiring at least spill the beans.”
“If they did a tracheotomy on her to get the respirator in that is a pretty definitive way of retiring as a seiyuu.”
“She’s just trying to get her name out!”
“Some bitterness towards whoever rescued her seems evident.”
“Her face is suffering the after-effects of her attempt there?”
“Her eyes do look swollen.”
“She just looks like I do when I have to get up early.”
“Suffered some brain death there? Go work in a soapland, girl.”
“She seems to be implying they had some hand in all this, indeed.”
“None of her roles even had names now did they?”
“A cutter is not really serious so I think they can expect to be rehabilitated more easily, but someone who hangs themselves is really serious, and likely to scare everyone around them.”
“The darkness of the seiyuu world is indeed deep.”
“Get well soon is all I can say!”
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Looking at her list of voiced characters, she hasn't voiced many (if any at all) main characters. I guess she got tired of waiting to have her big role, or she is trying to get more attention to herself.
Either way she is in a sad position to be in.
Even if she is comfortable being a sideline VA, she probably suffered some discrimination within her agency, both from the staff and her peers. Japanese is like that; they love to pose a social caste system where ever they are, sometimes onto themselves.
She can always do what many lesser good looking VAs with good voices do and simply went to the real dark side, which is porn VAing, where she can get more cash per word than regular, but her current agency's policies may forbid her from doing that, and changing agencies in Japan ain't easy. Hell, she herself may not want to do that either.
We usually frown at the idea of whoring for attention, but if this failed suicide brings her better financial opportunities through that attention, then maybe it's for the best.
Japan is not the place to go through a bout of depression.
I speak from experience. When it happened to me as an exchange student, people had absolutely no sympathy for my situation at all. None whatsoever. I asked to be sent home, and they refused.
I empathize with this girl, and I hope she dishes the dirt on these dirty people behind the industry.
And that's why you look up info on japan before going there you weaboo. You probably expected cute anime girls with red and green hair didn't you?
No, I just expected to be treated like a human being and not a zoo animal.
I had a really nice girlfriend there and everyone constantly spread gossip about us. It got to be too much for her and she broke it off.
That triggered the depression. So now you know, Mr. Troll.
Well, that's really sad man.
But you know what? You deserve a better girlfriend, and you'll get one, if you didn't yet! :)
You're a complete moron if you think "looking up info" on Japan is an acceptable form of investigation. That goes for any culture. You can't know what a place is like until you experience it for yourself. The fact that you even said that makes me think YOU are the weeaboo.
"But if you happen to witness a suicide, please leave them be.
If you help them, you’ll cause them a world of hurt."
No, you dumb bitch. You're causing yourself the hurt.
Why? Please explain.
......Did you miss the part where she's trying to kill herself?
It's (good) human nature to try and stop someone attempting it.
If you wanna kill yourself, fine. But understand that anything that happens to you as a result of what YOU set into motion is entirely YOUR fault.
If you don't wanna be stopped then go jump off a building, hang yourself in a remote location with no people. Don't hang in a location where someone could easily find you and stop you then abandon responsibility and lay blame on another for the situation that YOU created.
(Cont.) Also, if someone does find you and doesn't do anything to stop you and someone finds out they were there when it happened then they are in serious shit.
You have to realize tho that most attempted suicides are a cry for help and not serious attempts. Subconsciously they hope someone stops or saves them at the last moment.
Unfortunately many realize this too late and are successful in their attempt.
That would apply here if she wasn't sending out tweets saying not to stop people from attempting it.
>But if you happen to witness a suicide, please leave them be.
I disagree strongly, if you see someone about to commit suicide, or having done(Via something like jumping) absolutely help them. No ones life is beyond repair.
Nope, if you witness someone trying to commit suicide you call the police to warn them of this and if you can you help. After all if you do nothing in these circumstances your more than likely to get charged for not trying to help (at least that's how it work in my country.).
Yeah, sadly playing Doctor Kevorkian is a criminal act.
I once stopped a suicide. I saw a girl preparing to jump off a bridge, so I asked if I could get a blowjob before she went. She refused so I decided to stick around so that I could have a go at her body once she jumps. I think she got the point so she left, so I just raped her.
Was that before or after the Drugs kicked in?
Sexy Losers taught you well.
fap fap fap fap fap
Dude why the fuck aren't you in prison...
or in hell yet?
Because all women secretly want to be dominated & given a purpose. And baring a bastard baby is one of those purposes.
Creepily effective???
Too much skooma!
loool in your dreams
the girl shoukd have thrown you off the bridge and then jumped herself, it'd probably have guarenteed her a place in heaven (if it exists)
Of course heaven exists. It's the instant your brain gets flooded with endorphins when it realizes it's going to die.
Unfortunately you die the instant after that.
And then Santa Claus appeared and raped you.
Define 'help them'. Help them to stay in life (which they apparently don't want) or help them to kill themselves (which gets you in a lot of legal trouble)?
In this case the term 'help' is pretty ambiguous. I'd say just leave them be, they made their choice and it's their life. Nobody should force others to live if they don't want to. Sure, "somebody" might be able to help her get over her depression and whatever caused it, but if she doesn't have that "somebody" in her life, it won't get better... living with severe depression can be worse than just ending your life (although that most of the time hurts a lot physically).
Well, I don't know this woman or what problems she faces. If she wants to try suicide again, I hope that she succeeds. If not, I hope she gets over her issues and can live a better life. Depression sucks a lot (and life can, too) :D
I've been in a pretty bad way (though not the point of being suicidal) and the people whom I've come to hate most are those want to help. In the end they only want to help themselves. They want something to feel good about or clear their conscience or whatever. But people never stop and ask you what you need and the help they give usually leaves you worse off than before.
You shouldn't look for help. You should look for capability, down to the very instantaneous aspect of it. If they have it to spare, they will.
How can living with severe depression, be worse than just ending your life? Depression is a temporary problem, and killing yourself isn't.
Honestly, for a depressed person, there is no such thing as a life that won't get better.
When it comes to depression, the solution to bettering your life could be staring you in the face...and you still wouldn't see it. The mental illness keeps your thoughts as negative as possible...and gets worse when you deal with stress, douchebags, or ppl who don't get it.
Humans are social beings, and that's why they need the outside help...someone who understands, yet can see what they can't. That's not to say, that it is impossible for a depressed person to help themselves...but at that point, you've got to see urself (or thoughts) as the enemy...and not everyone can win a fight of "man vs. self," by themselves.
I've been chronically depressed for 20 years. Tried everything from therapy to drugs to exercise, everything someone has said would work, I tried.
Good to know it's temporary. Maybe in my sixties I can have the life everyone else has.
How can ending the life be worse than living with depression? It can't be worse, it can't be better. But it can be different. And when one is depressed, most matters aren't different at all. Exhaustion rules supreme and taxes the flow of every little action, function or reaction, at the same time draining the mental capacity to focus on the management and control thereof.
One has to program their conduct in quite minute details - without ever really being able to do it. Ideas stop popping up, and even reading up to help them proliferate is a terrible hassle - the experiences don't add up because they fall out of the attention span.
The condition is quite self-perpetuating, and there are situations and derivative mindsets (for instance, those of obligational, or performance-related nature) that can push one back into it even if they escape it somehow. Identifying and unplugging those is a requirement for a stable recovery - but it hardly ever suffices.
Also, imaginably, this unplugging can severely affect one's post-recovery life, because it forces alterations to one's life strategies - often into something "socially maladaptive" or something one has no experience with - and without possibilities gain that experience anymore, because it would require a re-living of their long gone formative years.
As such, the idea of seeing anything as an enemy is not very productive. Applications from prospective enemies quickly get buried beneath all the other figurative paperwork.
Agreed, As long as you're alive there's hope.
The world will end in 9 millions years, why do you even bother... let them be ffs, you've no right to decide for the others.
That's a very cruel thing to say. Clearly, there wasn't any hope, otherwise why kill yourself?
Ex-depressed person here. Here's my thoughts on the matter.
There is absolutely always hope; the world is so big and so full of opportunities that anyone can find a way to pull through.
But hope isn't always wanted, and living isn't just about surviving. Surviving day to day with the amount of depression that would cause someone to consider suicide is suffocating, there is little to no joy...wheres suicide leads to nothing, "A permanent solution to a temporary problem".
Is it worth it? Maybe not. Maybe so. But everyone is in charge of their own life, and if someone made a choice to end it (a choice that is NOT easy to make, even for someone who isn't in the right mindset), it is there choice to make. Often times, those who aren't fully determined and still have doubts often end up surviving...often waking up to the horrible aftereffects of a botched attempt.
If you know someone who may be suicidal, by all means reach out and help them. But if you see someone who has attempted it, know that you may very well be condemning them to even more pain.
It's a psychological thing. Some people believe that no one cares or loves them. That's not true. Showing people that life is worth living is worth more than anything.
As someone who almost did commit suicide, I can tell you up front that there is always hope. You just have to figure out where to find it.
when you are in depression, you really aren't you... and there is more to it, it can be a moment of heat, and it can be an illness, what we need is seek help
Stop trying to be cool and deep, Chen. That mindset makes you sound like a fucking emo thirteen year old. Nobody's life is beyond repair, especially in first-world countries. She could be happy if she just found things and people she enjoyed, instead of working a shitty job at a company she probably hated.
Chen is correct, do you really think suicide is such an easy thing to do? People that never felt real despair would probably never understand.
Chen seems like the kind of person who'd cash in on a suicidal person's agony and sell them life insurance before telling them there's no hope.
Chen, you say you loathe people, yet here you are interacting with them, even if it is via the internet.
Obviously you do give a shit to some extent, so just get over yourself already.
Leave them be, respect their choice and salute them one last time. Only if they mess up, help them in giving them the finishing strike.
>> Obviously you do give a shit to some
>> extent, so just get over yourself already.
Read Saya no Uta.
Understand why interacting with stuff I don't have to see doesn't matter at all.
>> If you know someone who may be
>> suicidal, by all means reach out
>> and help them.
It's kind of hard to reach out to myself, though. It would be difficult to reach out to me anyway, since I loathe people. Hence the suicidal thingie. Dunno if this has to to with depression, though. Would you know yourself if you're in a depression?
I just can't figure out how I can escape meeting people in RL. Is there hope for a world without other people? It's hopeless, isn't it?
If I was going to kill myself and someone tried to stop me, they would have a fight to the death on their hands.
I can see it now:
[No Death No Life]
Coming Summer 2016.
I agree unless it's a dare, pussying out of a dare is never okay.
you clearly know a lot about pussying out...
nope
Honestly, with the popularity of eye patches in Anime characters, she would strangely be in a good state to have an eye patch as a memorable feature. Hell, she'd probably become an Otaku enigma since she lived through killing herself and be a better actress because of it.
Wait, what happened to her eye?
post 10:25 was sarcasm btw
id still fuck that bitch even with one eye.
Probably from lack of oxygen due to the hanging had the same effect of a stroke by heart attack .. (one of the sequels, the face has something like a paralysis by anesthesia, sometimes permanently ...)
Curious was the comment ..
When They put on an artificial respirator you it hurts and hurts and is far worse than death.
A tip that hanging is a bad idea ... try another solution more practice ..?
it no longer looks absolutely gorgeous... clearly marking the end for a japanese girl, but for i woman i'd have taught her life already ended eons ago
Re-read what she said. She said nothing about PREVENTING a suicide. She was referring to stopping a suicide in process, because 9 times out of ten, failed suicides lead to permanent damage that only makes their life worse.
I'ts like those idiots who put out someone who lit themselves on fire. I mean, congratulations, you have just ensured that person lives the rest of their life as a horribly disfigured burn victim that is constantly in an ungodly amount of pain.
Horribly disfigured burn victim, hideous overweight neckbeard wizard. What's the difference? Burn victim might have it easier, at least they get sympathy.
I've only known 2 people who attemped suiccide. Both were living a happy life 15 years later. So you can't really say saving a life only makes it worse.
Depends also greatly on the Wounds/Damage they suffered dont you agree?
i have also known people that have attempted suicide (drove a car off a cliff, the other went into a bathtub, filled it up real high, then slammed the back of his head against the wall real hard to knock himself out) that lived through the first attempt, spent a long time in a psych ward hating life with no freedom, finally got out, were heavily medicated, continued to hate life for a few months and eventually finished the job. the girlfriend of the guy that tried to kill himself who was saved by her, only to suffer for another half a year has deeply regretted forcing him to go through that to this day. it can go both ways
Winners of the darwin award should get their just reward. It's only fair. The resources supporting one of these emo pricks can feed a hundred starving african kids. It's good for them and the world.
So completely wrong.
Idk brother and sister... if I am to stop a person who is really going to commit suicide... ummm, I may as well need to help that person all the way afterwards... like keep visiting him/her and help that person finically if I can. Otherwise, I do not think I should intervene just because even 0.01% of me trying to be a hero and make myself feel good. It is a sort of crime and evil.
You really think it's less selfish to not stop someone from committing suicide, just because he or she MIGHT bother you later?
You are less likely to regret helping someone than letting them be. So just think of yourself and play it safe.
That makes no sense to me. I'd feel more guilty about not helping someone when I could have, than by at least trying.
"if you see someone about to commit suicide, [...] help them." Nice one :)
Surely you can't be serious? It's obvious I meant help, as in stop them, or if it has gone too far, get them some help like an ambulance. You know, save their life.
Indeed. That starving kid in Africa would never think of killing themselves. It's always the overfed emo brat. Both need help getting what they want.
Oh hey, how did she find out about my own retirement plan?
Right, because a moron like you already experienced Life as an African-Child...
GET FUCKING REAL!
Suicide is never a Solution, but for many its the last way out.
And if YOU decide that this way if "messed up" then its your right, but dont think you can force everyone to have the same way of looking at things that you do.
a life of hard earned survival doesn't compare to a disillusioned life of privilaged domestication
And the average person doesn't give a shit about either of them.
IDIOT. if you can't/won't solve his/her problems don't try to save him/her.
9 times out of 10 the person has friends or family that love him or her.
And that makes it their problem.