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Cops Demand End To AKB48 Handshaking Events


In the wake of two AKB48 girls being viciously sawed at one of their own handshaking events, police have told the group’s management they must improve security – starting by putting a stop to their infamous handshaking events, widely believed to be the only thing keeping the group on top of the charts…

Akihabara police (in whose jurisdiction lies both AKB48’s original venue and the company who manages the group) have demanded they take immediate steps to improve security.

In addition to the pathetically rudimentary measure of actually searching attendees for concealed saws, police want the events to increase the distance between the stage and seating so as to avoid any wayward otaku getting onto the stage.

Most notably they want handshaking and “high-touches” banned at AKB48 events throughout the country.

AKB’s management have so far said they will “consider” implementing the police security measures – though for once even the online masses seem to agree with the police:

“About time!”

“I can’t believe the girls are keen to do it as it stands now.”

“Somebody tried to cut their arms off, banning these events is reasonable. Put a stop to this prostitution marketing.”

“AKB are finished now.”

“Amazing – the powers that be are actually acting to crush AKB’s evil marketing shenanigans! Stick at it!”

“Paying money for tickets to touch girls should fall under prostitution laws anyway.”

“I don’t think they can rid of it that easily.”

“Don’t just cancel it, ban it!”

“Cancel the general election too! It would be scandalous to allow it in the wake of something like this.”

“AKB are worthless with no handshaking events. They’d be lucky to sell 200,000 copies for a single which sells 1.4 million now.”

“God I can’t wait to see how their CD sales do with no handshaking event tickets in them…”

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