Behold: The ONACOUNTER
- Categories: Games, News
- Date: Feb 10, 2012 08:15 JST
- Tags: 2ch, Dutch Wife, Onanism, PC Hardware, Tech Arts 3D, Technology, Twitter, VIP Quality
A technically inclined onanist has apparently developed a piece of software designed to exploit the notoriously advanced capabilities of the USB Onacon, capable of not only measuring speed, insertion time and other vital onanistic statistics, but even of uploading the results to Twitter so fellow onanists can compare their performance…
The exchange:
“My onahole arrived so I made some software to count time, insertions, average speed and other data.”
“Amazing.”
“Strange. You must be a pro.”
“Onacounter…”
“You are an idiot.”
“What is the use of this?”
“It’s like this when you use it. Below is a graph of insertions and speed.”
“I want it.”
“The perfect app for the health-conscious man! Available now!”
“Give it to the manufacturers…”
“I think this is amazing… amazingly retarded.”
“Release it!”
“This is a boon to society – use it to measure early ejaculation and you could measure the effectiveness of new drugs.”
“If you really uploaded your data to Google it might be rather dicey…”
“Use it already.”
“I already used it. It took some time. In keeping with the spirit of the age, I made it compatible with Twitter and Mixi.”
“Oi!”
“Stop that!”
“Why is it showing a speed of 4 even when you have finished?”
“That’s recorded when you press the ‘ejaculate’ button on the USB Onacon.”
“What is the hash tag?”
“#ONACOUNTER
I uploaded the software here. [Use at your own risk!]
Of course you need the Onacon to use it. If you have one, let’s tweet about it together.”
“You’re the biggest fool I’ve ever seen (I mean this as praise).”
“The social buttons…”
“What a high-tech hentai!”
“What did you code it in? VB?”
“A minor language – HSP.”
“Japanese really are living in the future.”
“I thought after I unveiled the hash tag and software it would be overflowing with results, but it seems I’m the only one there! Give it a try if you get one, please.”
The Onacon is available now, together with the newly Onacon-enabled 3D Custom Girl.
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Goddess of 2ch: “Pink & Soft All The Way!”
“The perfect app for the health-conscious man! Available now!”
“Japanese really are living in the future.”
best quotes so far.
But they won't have a future if they don't start fucking real people.
You simply lack imagination.
They will create USB babies soon
I'm not so sure that's a bad thing.
Don't worry most of us will have no future either once the bat shit crazy religious get hold of the world again. Enjoy.
for science
Yea but $200!? Fuck that.
For $100 I'll have a go.
you monster!
Aye! *nose bleeds* Sci-science!
for teh lulz.
for the future of masturbation.
One more step further to the self-concious pleasure doll. And we wont't need women anymore.
Chobits ahh...heaven but with 7B people on counting you'd think we'd be worried by now
I'd be like "Silence commoners, not to procreate is a sin?! I say nay in these times we are simply patriots taking the first step in preventing humanity from imploding into itself!" but nevermind this right now all I see is an ground-breaking in technology
I don't know if I'd want my "pleasure doll" keeping track of how fast I bust a load in it & posting the stats online.
Would that count as the doll complaining?
"Look, he can't last 60 seconds!"
*other dolls* "You poor thing..."
"And the really sad thing? That's on a good day. The rest of the times can't be displayed because I don't have the data. He was finished before the software had booted up."
This device is truely the portal between 2D and 3D world....
LET THE MASTURBATION WARS BEGIN!!
"I can go faster aaaaand last Longer than You!! >:D "
I wanna ' beat ' the very best.
Like no 'beater' ever was!
To fap long, is my real test!
To train 'it' is my cause!!!
Fap 'em All! (Gotta Fap em all~)
It's you and my penis,
I know it's my destiny! (Fap 'em All!)
Oh, you're my best friend
In the world we fap with friends~
Fap 'em All! (Gotta Fap em all~)
FAP 'EM ALL!!!
Our fapping will pull us through
you fap there and i'll fap here
FAP 'EM ALL!!!
sorry, just had to finish it
"My penis is lvl35" i'm on the road to be the onani master.
It wont rise anymore after lv99!
worst penis resets and comes back with a smaller size ... ... ...
@Sazuko Toriyama: I only last 6 shots
You need to take a rest at the local INN to recharge your shots.
this brings another level to "multiplayer" onani.
maybe even a coop game where everyone gets together to whack off and defeats a boss by not cumming as fast. problem with that is it's more like a circle jerk where the first guy that cums is gay.
I never thought onahole technology would be faster than dildo technology.
Anyways, next stap is the same for dildos. So girls can measure their stats too.
You know... you could probably use the data to create varying orgasm thresholds for the on screen AI girls. In a way it'd be similar to some rhythm based games...
Penis Hero, lol
If I had a penis, I'd play that to death.
"Free Bird" XD
Penis Penis Revolution and Penis DIVA anyone?
Definitely one game that doesnt need a walkthrough... Especially not on youtube
Vibrator instruction is what we need on youtube, now we just need to get some Hot Cosplay girls to model and show the rest of us how to use them, muhahahahaha.
Uploading the results to Twitter? lmao
i bet there's gonna be an achievement trophy or something later...
You got a Trophy "Faster than Lightning"
Congratulations on 'beating' FF-13, you have amazing endurance!
Japan...leading the future?
Call me a weaboo, but man! I just can't get enough of this country! Hahaha
P.S. just finished Fate/Stay Night I have to say after playing the "last episode" I'm kind of sad it's over -_- oh well to Ataraxia then
Someone is trying too hard to earn themselves an Ig Nobel Prize this year ^_^
Ya know, this kind of stuff might end wars if used correctly. One day it'll be deserving of a Peace Prize.
Hell yeah, STEAM!
If you have one, let’s tweet about it together.”
UHAHaaaua!!Soon Championships and mod in overclocking ... ....The same as benchmark in PC!
Only in Japan!
Also I found expensive to, similar models are cheaper :P
Ferrari designer of the masturbator pro?
They need to make one that's smartphone-enabled next. You could insert your phone in a special sleeve, and it would make use of the phone's accelerometers, vibration and touchscreen to provide optimum tracking and haptic feedback. Plus it could use the cameras to take photos and upload them to Flickr, so all your friends can stay updated in realtime. When not in use, it could double as a silicone case for the phone.
And what shall they call it?
The Ona-phone?
OR
The Phone-a-Hole?
so you can fap in public?
- What does the Onacounter says about my performance?
- IT'S OVER 9000!!!
The balls are inert.
I bet the women will be all over me once I tweet how well I perform! <-- serious delusion
At over 9000, I imagine the computer doesn't have to be connected to an outlet.
Horny Otaku: New source of renewable energy!
I'll only use it if I can unlock achievements.
"Fast Shooter"
"Long'n'Slow"
"Is It In?"
"Done Already?!"
"Are You Sure It's In?"
"Quicky"
"Are We Done Yet?"
'Sharpshooter'
'Quick-draw Master'
'Artillery'
yeah, neat huh?