A technically inclined onanist has apparently developed a piece of software designed to exploit the notoriously advanced capabilities of the USB Onacon, capable of not only measuring speed, insertion time and other vital onanistic statistics, but even of uploading the results to Twitter so fellow onanists can compare their performance…

The exchange:


“My onahole arrived so I made some software to count time, insertions, average speed and other data.”


“Strange. You must be a pro.”


“You are an idiot.”

“What is the use of this?”

“It’s like this when you use it. Below is a graph of insertions and speed.”


“I want it.”

“The perfect app for the health-conscious man! Available now!”

“Give it to the manufacturers…”

“I think this is amazing… amazingly retarded.”

“Release it!”

“This is a boon to society – use it to measure early ejaculation and you could measure the effectiveness of new drugs.”

“If you really uploaded your data to Google it might be rather dicey…”

“Use it already.”

“I already used it. It took some time. In keeping with the spirit of the age, I made it compatible with Twitter and Mixi.”



“Stop that!”

“Why is it showing a speed of 4 even when you have finished?”

“That’s recorded when you press the ‘ejaculate’ button on the USB Onacon.”

“What is the hash tag?”


I uploaded the software here. [Use at your own risk!]

Of course you need the Onacon to use it. If you have one, let’s tweet about it together.”

“You’re the biggest fool I’ve ever seen (I mean this as praise).”

“The social buttons…”

“What a high-tech hentai!”

“What did you code it in? VB?”

“A minor language – HSP.”

“Japanese really are living in the future.”

“I thought after I unveiled the hash tag and software it would be overflowing with results, but it seems I’m the only one there! Give it a try if you get one, please.”

The Onacon is available now, together with the newly Onacon-enabled 3D Custom Girl.


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