Man “Committed Suicide by Cutting Off Penis”

Japanese police have uncovered what they think may be a highly unusual and doubtless unbelievably agonising case of suicide by penis auto-severance.

Tokyo police discovered the body of a naked 49-year-old man in his apartment, dead from numerous stab wounds and a severed penis. His penis was found under the bed he was lying on.

He was found in his bloodied bedroom with the door open and the kitchen knife used to cause his death in a neighbouring room, all of which would be consistent with a murder.

However, police say his body bore no marks from him trying to defend himself, and there were no signs of a struggle in the room, which would be more consistent with a suicide.

The man was a taxi driver by profession, and had been incommunicado for a week. Police estimate he had been dead for 2 days when they found him.

Locals say he had lived at his apartment for the past 4 years, and had recently been seen engaged in repeated and noisy arguments with a woman thought to be his partner.

Witnesses report seeing the man tossing furniture into the street and engaging in physical altercations with the woman.

The nature of his wounds suggest this would have to be quite a suicide, say grisly crime commentators – “It’s the kind of suicide he would need considerable determination to complete. We have to wonder why it is police are announcing the possibility of him having committed suicide.”

Another comments that “there’s no real need to kill yourself naked, it seems like something you might do to make it look as though someone else was responsible though.”

Noted guro expert Shoko-tan says that the case is “Really unusual, isn’t it? Hmmm, scary, isn’t it?”

Given these puzzling and conflicted circumstances, police are still undecided as to whether the man’s death was a suicide or a murder, and have announced they are investigating both possibilities.

Fortunately, 2ch provides legions of apparent forensics experts ready to shed even more light on the case, as if the opinions of Japan’s notoriously effective police and random TV personalities weren’t helpful enough:

“Who kills themselves by cutting off their own penis?”

“As if this is a suicide!”

“No way!”

“Brilliant deductive reasoning from the police there.”

“As expected of our marvellous police!”

“No man would think of killing himself by chopping his member off like this.”

“Perhaps the police just got bored investigating this one and decided to chalk it off as suicide.”

“Who commits suicide by cutting their own penis off and then stabbing themselves repeatedly?”

“Perhaps he killed himself and someone else lopped his penis off? Police should check whether he was alive when it was removed.”

“Oh, Japanese marakiri!” [“mara” is slang for penis]

“Maybe… he wanted to become a woman?”

“The woman probably found his corpse and hacked off his boy to defile it further.”

“All you can tell from that death is that it wasn’t suicide.”

“If he were drugged or tied down there wouldn’t be any evidence of resistance, would there?”

“Some kind of twisted sexual game?”

“He was naked after all…”

“The police can start by firing the morons who call this a suicide. They might get a bit better from doing so.”

“Japanese police: ‘If we can’t work it out, it must be suicide.'”

“He was obviously offed by this woman.”

“I expect the mass media will drop this rather quickly, for obvious reasons.”

“Cops, see if you can explain his motive for hacking off his own member.”

“He could just gas himself, instead he cuts his penis off and stabs himself to death. Cute, police, cute.”

“At least they aren’t blaming it on goblins.”

“Still, I’d respect any man who could pull off a suicide like that.”

“You know, I may have just worked out the mystery of how we can have over 30,000 suicides a year in this country…”