How to Use Kinect


The vast number of conditions required to allow Kinect’s camera to successfully convert the player’s drunken prancing into in-game control are understandably not something Microsoft is keen to address frankly, but fortunately they have been summarised in illustrated format.

The rest of the list (sadly, the anime version is but a one-off) in crude yet scathing clip-art format:


Of the requirements, the amount of space needed is probably set to become the biggest sticking point.

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    Comment by Vicious
    10:17 22/07/2010 # ! Good (+0.6)

    Here are the Rules.
    There are no Rules.
    If you Play You will not enjoy it.

    Avatar of Canadane
    Comment by Canadane
    10:30 22/07/2010 # ! Good (+0.4)

    If you follow the rules, you wont have fun.
    If you don't follow the rules, it wont work.

    Comment by Anonymous
    10:56 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    Actually it seems more like:
    Here are the rules.
    Take off all your clothes,
    and get your hankey-pankey on.

    Comment by Anonymous
    13:23 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (+0.2)

    Problem is noone ever reads the fucking manual.

    Avatar of fxc2
    Comment by fxc2
    12:17 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (+0.2)

    And if all else fails, read the fucking manual.

    Comment by Anonymous
    16:28 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    @ anon 13:23

    I know *sob*

    former IT-Specialist talking and weeping here...

    Avatar of Pertamax
    Comment by Pertamax
    18:20 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    maybe its like you're trying to tell van gogh to use photoshop instead of using a conventional drawing

    still, nothing can be compared with "feel" of a mouse when trying to get a headshot or mashing the controller button while playing fighting games

    maybe knect is fun at one point but maybe not

    Comment by Anonymous
    18:03 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    Kinect is a step backwards...
    That's why controllers were invented, so you don't have to move.
    A step forward would be a mind controlled controller.

    Comment by Anonymous
    19:38 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    @ Anon 16:28 :

    War story:

    IT sub-group Manager: "I have two GroupWise icons on my desktop. I clicked one of them, and nothing happened."

    Me: "What happened when you clicked on the other one?"

    IT sub-group Manager: "I didn't try that -- I called you for answers." (He _should_ have called the Help Desk, not the Desktop Engineering group, but...)

    Me: "Please click on the other GroupWise icon, and tell me what happens."

    IT sub-group Manager: "GroupWise starts up."

    Me: "Okay. Please tell me your PC's ID code, and I'll get rid of the broken icon for you..."

    To your point: _some_ people _do_ RTFM, but not enough. _SANE_ managers need to allocate enough tech time to deal with the customers who don't RTFM.

    IKEA has excellent assembly instructions for their furniture, but they _ALSO_ have a 1-800 number for customers to dial if they become confused. The _FIRST_ thing in their docs is an exhortation to call them if you have any problems.

    That makes for good customer service.

    Microsoft? Customer service? Hahahahaha!

    (Well, it's actually not too bad if your company has a Volume Licensing Agreement and has paid them for Premium Support. Most home end-users can't afford this.)

    Avatar of Schrobby
    Comment by Schrobby
    19:33 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    If I play with a girl and she has to take off her clothes I sure will have fun no matter how shitty the game is. ^_^

    Comment by Anonymous
    10:56 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    Stop assuming so much you moronic fan boys. Its just the cool thing to say that kinect will suck now just like it was cool to say the wii would fail and was a gimmick.

    Other sites have already stated that you can play games with kinect closer than 6 feet its just not the recommended space.

    Comment by Anonymous
    15:33 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    Why dont people wait till its out and then decide to hate it. You know after trying it. Besides its target audience is not gamers. Its casuals.

    Comment by Anonymous
    14:30 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    "Wii is practically a mouse for console. All games types that use anything like mouse are possible only on Wii."

    And yet mostly we get mini-game collections with waggle.

    Comment by Anonymous
    14:56 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    If the Wii is a failure, I'd love to see what success is like.

    Comment by Anonymous
    21:54 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    As someone who owned a Wii and wanted more out of it than just "Wii Sports Fitness LameFest," it is indeed gimmicky. I rarely had an enjoyable single-player experience on that console, but did have numerous issues with the wireless controllers instead. I'm sure those who said it would fail just didn't realize there are lots of casual gamers out there willing to gobble up those kinds of games.

    I agree with Anonymous 15:33, though; we won't actually know how good/bad it is until it's out, and most people who visit this site are not in the target demographic anyway.

    Comment by Anonymous
    13:48 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    Wii vs Kinect:
    Wii is practically a mouse for console. All games types that use anything like mouse are possible only on Wii. No wonder that it have sucess.
    Kinect is a motion tracking webcam for a console. What games uses such technology? Gimicks and family games. No wonder that it will fail.

    Comment by Anonymous
    11:13 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    The wii failed and is a gimmick. Dumbass.

    Avatar of Kai
    Comment by Kai
    11:21 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    The Wii is not a failure at least financially.

    insert it prints money gif here

    Comment by Anonymous
    11:27 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    Anyway, assuming no sarcasm, and simply misguided opinion stated rudely, here's the console sale data as of FY 2010, Q1:

    Wii: 70.93M
    Xbox 360: 40.3M
    PS3: 35.95M

    To add insult to their own injury, Microsoft and Sony had reduced the prices of their console vastly in hope of selling games, that the consoles themselves are selling at a lost. Meanwhile, each Wii sale has a margin of $13 to $79 depending on location sold.

    Comment by Anonymous
    11:54 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    I remember people vehemently defend FF13.

    Avatar of Azure Xuchilbara
    Comment by Azure Xuchilbara
    14:18 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    @ Vicious

    Amen to that...

    *thumbs up*

    Avatar of Juuza Sama
    Comment by Juuza Sama
    11:12 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    I don't like it, it looks so limited and i'm sure there wont be many games related to it

    Comment by Anonymous
    17:09 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    i would atleast read the whole poster if they made the clipart moe...this just pain my eyes

    Comment by Anonymous
    17:14 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    DO a barrel roll

    Comment by Anonymous
    16:38 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    erm, this is out of date. it has been confirmed that kinect can detect you while you sit down. Its just whether or not the game programmers want to code in activities that take advantage of that.

    Comment by Anonymous
    18:01 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    well if you actually cared to read, it clearly says "DO NOT sitt down to play unless your vendor has programmed the game specifically or youre watching a video" so its not out of date its just you that have a need to bash the creations of clearly more intelligent people

    Avatar of RunnerRed
    Comment by RunnerRed
    18:14 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    why the ruckus ? you just need a plugsuit (should be tight enough),opaque curtains (for no one to see you), only one daft friend, a new house and a 150usd to play...

    Let aside the fact it sounds like SM, it makes pretty much sense x)

    Comment by Anonymous
    15:58 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    screw the rules

    Avatar of Nin
    Comment by Nin
    03:23 23/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    I have...

    Avatar of ghostking
    Comment by ghostking
    14:51 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    Can I don't know I'd I'm getting it now you need all kinds if room to use

    Comment by Anonymous
    04:05 23/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    I loled on 'dont get too close'

    get a bigger house

    Avatar of El Chaos
    Comment by El Chaos
    08:36 23/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    Ha, it can't track more than two people! And these pieces of shit are MEANT to be used for PARTY "GAMES"!!

    Lol, even if they're releasing a "special" (as in mentally challenged) 4GB bundle at the same pricepoint as the Wii, there's no way this shit will fly.

    Can't wait to see it fail, really. And the sooner the better, 'cause I don't want to see the entire Microsoft Xbox division sink because of this laughable fucking FLOP!

    Comment by Anonymous
    15:11 23/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    I'm sorry but I'm just too distracted by that picture. It's just too funny XD

    Avatar of PrinceHeir
    Comment by PrinceHeir
    10:49 23/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    lol fail product is fail. microsoft oh you

    Comment by Anonymous
    10:38 23/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    I hate this thing its so stupid, act like a stupid because its fun ¬¬ microsoft its full of nerds and idiots

    Avatar of Naison
    Comment by Naison
    00:51 23/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    The youtube and Michael Jackson ones made me laugh.

    Avatar of Night4ce
    Comment by Night4ce
    19:46 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    Oh my GOD!! By the time damn thing comes out.. the only thing to do with it is to stand there and show your retarded face for buying the freaking thing.. No dress.. No sitting.. No breathing.. No shiting.. No GFs.. No life.. No pride..

    Avatar of Quack!
    Comment by Quack!
    04:48 23/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    As a SanCom member, I'd say that's an improvement.

    Comment by Anonymous
    20:36 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    Am I the only one to notice how weird those nipples look? Freaky stuff.

    Comment by Anonymous
    22:02 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    Mooootiooon Bluuuur

    Comment by Anonymous
    21:46 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    shake that thing

    Avatar of Onox
    Comment by Onox
    22:49 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    Prepare yourselves to send "STFW" for the noobs who can't read the manual OR don't have big enough houses. Oh god...

    Comment by Anonymous
    10:44 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    to many requirements for a game controller

    Avatar of Shizu's Waki Obsessor: MaidNiac
    10:38 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    That Michael Jackson part is just too epic.. X3

    And the girl in the OP pic really knows the rule.

    Avatar of Firetribe
    Comment by Firetribe
    10:37 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    So worth $150 pricetag...

    Avatar of moebius22
    Comment by moebius22
    11:10 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    Might as well buy a Wii- which is cheaper.

    Avatar of Quack!
    Comment by Quack!
    11:07 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    This kinda reminds me of the comic Google made when they released Chrome... and all of the "edited" versions too. At least Microsoft have a sense of humour.

    Still, most of those conditions hold true for the EyeToy too - stand a certain distance from the camera, can't be too bright, only one person (for EyeToy) allowed on-screen at once. Then again, the EyeToy didn't exactly sell well.

    Ultimately, what determines how well the Kinect will do are the games available, and the price point. It doesn't appeal to me, but that's because I haven't seen any games I like for it, and it's too expensive.

    Also, for those who are complaining about looking stupid, as opposed to just accepting it like Microsoft - you've clearly never seen anyone play on the Wii.

    Comment by Anonymous
    10:59 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    If the two players fuck, the virtual players will fuck too?

    Avatar of Tex_Arcana
    Comment by Tex_Arcana
    14:28 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    considering that's the only fun Kinect Idea I've heard, you might wanna go get hired somewhere.

    Avatar of MagicalTux
    Comment by MagicalTux
    10:36 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    I think we really should target the XBox in a new virus which would allow us to record whatever Kinect sees. Would generate much better blackmailing material than mails.

    Avatar of Blkant
    Comment by Blkant
    10:23 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    DO make an ass out of yourself.

    Comment by Anonymous
    11:57 22/07/2010 # ! Neutral (0)

    Well, no one's coming down into the basement so yes, do play to your heart's content.

    Just don't look in the mirror after.

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