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Woman Killed by Onanism


An inquest has found that a woman died from onanistic excess.

The 31-year-old nanny (pictured), a resident of Gloucester in the United Kingdom, was found dead whilst lying half-naked in her bed with a laptop displaying pornography and a sex toy close to hand.


Police describe the scene which greeted them when they broke into the lady’s home:

“After they broke in they realised Miss Paginton was dead. She had a computer on her lap and when they moved it and lifted the duvet, they found she was naked from the waist down and there was a vibrator in the bed.

The laptop was still displaying pornographic material.”

The coroner’s verdict dryly notes that she is thought to have died of heart problems related to her onanistic antics:

“I am satisfied [she] died of a natural disease process – sudden cardiac arrhythmia.

It is not always possible to determine an exact cause of death but it is likely that her activity before death contributed towards it.”

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