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StefanKinoshita said:
City of the Vampires: Chapter 4
Best part yet.
Sankaku Complex Forums » Anime
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Posted 10 months ago #
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giascle said:
Best part yet.What did you like about this part in particular? Just out of curiousity.
Posted 10 months ago # -
Mostly the dialogue. I was disappointed when I had to stop in the middle to do something else.
Posted 10 months ago # -
Glad you liked it. Dialogue writing is a strong point of mine. I really enjoyed writing the ghetto bits.
Posted 10 months ago # -
Keep up the good work Stefan- I look forward to every chapter.
Posted 10 months ago # -
StefanKinoshita said:
Glad you liked it. Dialogue writing is a strong point of mine. I really enjoyed writing the ghetto bits.Stefan, your ghetto dialogue is awesome! You're a hard gangsta biatch!
Posted 10 months ago # -
Hitman... even better
Though I'd never be able to actually kill Nin. Nobody would
Posted 10 months ago # -
StefanKinoshita said:
Hope you like it. Just a few things.
I know Donyea isn't that ghetto, but it worked for the story. Also, I hope the ghetto speech and description of the projects was accurate. All my information about that kinda thing comes from GTA 4. I live in a village in Britain, it can't be helped.Adding the scene with the girl was a nice touch. It was a notable, positive aspect of my character which balanced out his fearful and less-than cool way of handling the situation with Stefan. Mainly I'm saying you did a good job of balancing the character.
The "ghetto talk" seemed fine to me, any more specific and it probably would not have come off as well as it did. If there are any more scenes that include me or Donyea I can help you out with a wider variety of slang but I think you handled it well.
Overall good work and keep it up. Also the constant references to the Swedish flag had me cracking up each time, not sure why.
Posted 10 months ago # -
I'm not trying to piss on anyone's parade, but I feel like that 'ghetto talk' didnt seem very ghetto.
I'm sure this is attributed to the unique niggertowns of Michigan having their own ebonics dialect.Posted 10 months ago # -
The fifth and final part of the epic fanfiction adventure.
City of the Vampires:Chapter 5
On the edge of Sankaku City stood a huge mansion, surrounded extensive grounds that consisted of gardens, sports fields and woodland. High stone walls topped with barbed wire surrounded the entire estate and it was guarded in the day by humans and at night by vampires. This was the house of the almighty leader of Sankaku City, Lord Anti.
A white limousine approached the estate and after a short conversation with the guards it entered coming to a stop outside the front of the house. A human in a chauffeur’s uniform got out and moved over to the passenger door and opened it. The Mistress Antika appeared from the back of the car, a stern look on her face and entered the mansion at pace. She stormed into Lord Anti’s throne room unannounced and advanced on him.
‘You’ve been keeping things from me!’ She yelled.
‘Have I?’ Said Lord Anti unmoved.
‘You told me Stefan Kinoshita was heading for the city, but you declined to tell me that you had taken something from him and that was the reason.’ Antika snapped.
‘Ah, yes I may have failed me to mention that… but oh wait, I’m the Lord of this city, not you, so I don’t have to tell you a thing.’ Said Anti with a expression somewhere between a sneer and a smile.
Antika somehow managed to keep her cool. ‘What have you taken from him.’ Anti smiled gleefully and ushered his guards to bring Meredith forward. ‘You kidnapped his adoptive sister?’ She gasped. ‘This was a trap?’
‘Indeed it was.’ Said Anti. ‘That shit stain of a man has been a mar on the vampire world ever since marched on the Grand Vamparic Palace two years ago and killed our beloved Queen. Today is the day we finish him for good.’
‘I don’t understand.’ Said Antika. ‘If this was a trap then why did you make it so hard for Stefan to find you.’
‘Stefan Kinoshita is not a man to be taken lightly, if I had simply presented myself to him he would have killed me it seconds.’ Said Anti. ‘I knew if I hid away he’d find me, in fact I counted on it, but in the mean time Mr. Kinoshita is going to get angry. He thinks I’m hiding, playing games with him and his dearest sister. Anger makes people do stupid things, they make mistakes. Stefan’s mistakes are going to cost him his life.’Pilandi’s jaguar sped at top speed to the outskirts on Sankaku City, Stefan at the wheel and Amy in the back keeping watch over Pilandi who was giving directions.
‘Its up there.’ Said Pilandi. ‘But you’ll never get past the gate, this place is really heavily guarded. Maybe I could talk…’ But Pilandi didn’t finish because Stefan slammed his foot down on the accelerator and smashed through the main gate of Anti’s mansion. One guard when flying over the bonnet of the car. The rest of the guards fired, but Stefan didn’t stop instead he ploughed forward, straight into Antika’s limousine which was still parked outside.
Stefan and Amy left the jaguar leaving Pilandi to his own devices. They advanced into the mansion ignoring the approaching guards yelling and firing at them. But then a call came over an intercom, it was Lord Anti.
‘Guards stand down. Mr. Kinoshita, please meet me in my throne room.’ Followed by directions to the room.
Guards watched warily as Stefan and Amy passed by them. They finally reached the throne room and opened the huge double doors into the room to be faced with Lord Anti sitting upon his throne with the Mistress Antika stood behind him. Meredith was nowhere to be seen. Stefan drew his katana.
‘Where’s my sister you cowardly piece of shit.’ He said, his katana’s point against the vampire’s neck.
‘That is no way to address a Lord.’ Said Anti unruffled. ‘Time to teach you some manners.’ Anti had been right, Stefan’s anger had made him make a mistake. In his march toward Anti had failed to notice the guards stationed in the rafters who quickly jumped down and advanced on Stefan and Amy. Stefan swung his katana out catching one guard, but then another grabbed him from behind kicking his legs out from under him forcing him to kneel before Lord Anti. Meanwhile Amy was held back by two guards.
‘Much more respectful.’ Said Lord Anti. ‘My dearest Antika, would you like to do the honours.'
‘My pleasure.’ Said Antika, fangs beared, her eyes sparkling with glee.
Antika marched forward clamping a hand around Stefan’s throat. Stefan felt her hand clamp tighter and tighter he started to feel dizzy then Antika pulled out a dagger.
‘No!’ It was Amy.
In a second everything changed.
‘Amy don’t.’ Stefan managed to say, but it was too late.
Amy’s whole body started to shimmer catching everyone’s attention, including Antika who removed her hand from Stefan’s throat. What Amy was doing was undoing the glamour, a simple vamparic trick to make people see what the vampire wants them to see. But it takes a very powerful vampire to glamour everyone they meet, in fact to be able to glamour other vampires is impossible… for all except one vampire. The mirage that had been Amy faded and standing in her place was another woman. She was not too different, but this person everyone in the room knew. Queen Uteki of The Great and Powerful Vampire Race, the daughter of the creator of all vampires. The very queen that Stefan Kinoshita had supposedly killed two years ago was standing in Lord Anti’s mansion surrounded by the now dead guards. It was just Lord Anti and Mistress Antika now.
‘My queen.’ Said Anti in shock, getting down from his throne and bowing.
‘But you’re dead.’ Said Antika in shock.
‘And who told you that.’ Said Queen Uteki. Stefan started laughing.
‘But why?’ Said Anti.
‘You think for one second I liked being Queen.’ Said Uteki. ‘At the age of seventeen I was turned into a vampire by my father, the creator of all vampires. Made into his perfect vamparic princess. I was just a regular girl before then, all I was interested in was boys and clothes. Then ten years later my dearest father decided he didn’t like being immortal and walked out into the sun, killing himself. I had to become Queen and I hated it. I hate this vampire race, its superiority, and its bloodlust. It unnatural, its wrong. So when Stefan Kinoshita and Kudi Chan attacked my palace I took my chance. I begged him to spare me, told him how I felt. I became Amy.’
‘You traitorous whore!’ Spat Antika.
In a second Uteki was standing before Antika, her hand embedded in Antika’s chest.
‘That’s the second time you’ve called me a traitorous whore today.’ Said Uteki. ‘Bad move.’ With one quick yank she pulled Antika’s heart from her chest. Antika’s body started to rot at an amazing pace before becoming nothing but a pile of dust on the floor.
Stefan was on his feet now standing above the trembling vampire Lord.
‘Where’s my sister!’ He snapped.
‘In the dungeon.’ He said. ‘Please don’t hurt me.’
‘Look after Lord pathetic, your majesty.’ Said Stefan sarcastically before heading to the dungeon.Stefan made his way down into the dank dungeon. The stone walls were cold and the whole place smelt of death. Stefan rounded a corner and was smacked in the face. Standing in his way was Pilandi.
‘We’ve won Pilandi. Stand aside.’
‘Not a chance.’ Said Pilandi. ‘You made a fool of me. I don’t stand for that sort of thing.’ He then drew a medieval broad sword that was strapped to his waist. ‘Back when I was human I was a solider in the Frankish army. Sorry, but you’re fucked.’
Pilandi swung at Stefan, but he leapt back and drew his katana. The two swung at each other, dodging and parrying, but then Stefan got the upper hand, throwing Pilandi off balance and driving his sword through Pilandi’s heart.
‘Say hello to Nin for me.’ Said Stefan
Pilandi’s eyes went wide. ‘But you said you’d spare him.’
Stefan’s eyes turned dark. ‘I lied.’
Pilandi’s body turned to dust in the same way Antika’s did, his sword clattering to the ground along with keys to the cells.
Stefan made his way through the dungeon. He finally found her.
‘Meredith.’ He said unlocking the cell.
‘Stefan.’ she yelped running into his arms, tears streaming down her face.
He held her for as long as it took her for her tears to subside.When Stefan and Meredith emerged in the throne room they found Uteki now had Anti pinned against the back wall.
‘Can I kill him now.’ She said.
‘No, there’s been enough killing today.’ Uteki was about to protest, but Stefan held up a hand. ‘I don’t want you to kill him. I want you to compel him.’
‘No please, have mercy.’ Anti whimpered.
‘I want you to make Anti take a trip to...’ He thought for a moment. ‘Uruguay.’ He said picking a random country. ‘He’ll find some vampire bar in some backstreet of some non-town in Uruguay where no one knows who he is and live there until he wishes to meet the sun.’
Uteki focused on Anti and started to compel him repeating Stefan’s instructions and before she finished she added. ‘Also, you’re now gay.’ At that Stefan and Meredith couldn’t help themselves, they burst out laughing.Stefan, Uteki and Meredith returned to England. It was never going to be the end of Stefan’s adventures though. Uteki reprised her role as Amy, never wishing to be the Queen she truly was.
In Sankaku City, Kudi Chan, always opportunistic took control. Abra C. Advre got laid.
THE ENDPosted 10 months ago # -
StefanKinoshita said:
Abra C. Advre got laid.
Way too unrealistic
Posted 10 months ago # -
mere said:
Way too unrealistic
That's the comic relief.
Posted 10 months ago # -
My my. Having Nin killed will make you a lot of enemies. I'm sure Mae and Veg didn't like their task.
I'm disappointed not to have a role in the finale, but glad that I now control Sankaku City. Just according to keikaku!
The last sentence is absolutely absurd, and has turned the whole thing into comic farce.
Posted 10 months ago # -
Please don't just focus on the last line guys, it was just a bit of humour.
Please tell me honestly what you thought. I worked hard on this.
Posted 10 months ago # -
I liked the part where antika died.
Posted 10 months ago # -
StefanKinoshita said:
Please don't just focus on the last line guys, it was just a bit of humour.Please tell me honestly what you thought. I worked hard on this.
I honestly lol'd several times for each chapter. It was a highly enjoyable story, and I looked forwards to each new part. If it were made into a film, I'd pay to watch it.
I only wish it had been novel length ;_;
Posted 10 months ago # -
I loved it! It was quite revealing this chapter and full of surprises, love it!
I laughed at the last bits of this, just wonderful :']And Pilandi and Nin... nooooooooo :<
Though if you were going to go pro ever, you would need to be more descriptive.
I would love it to be a novel length too!Posted 10 months ago # -
StefanKinoshita said:
‘Back when I was human I was a solider in the Frankish army. Sorry, but you’re fucked.’
Haha, brilliant! It's not only very well written and entertaining, but also clever. I love it! Too bad it's already over...
Posted 10 months ago # -
I'm divided on this chapter. I liked the general idea, but too much of it was exposition; I assume you wanted to just get it over with, but explaining everything in detail at the very end is cheating. I trust that you'd fix that though if you were to go back and edit the entire thing.
Posted 10 months ago # -
Guess I had that coming for killing y'all. I gotta say, I'm glad I stayed cool 'til I died. And I seriously plan on recording myself growling "You traitorous whore" and use it as a message signal.
BRAVO STEFAN. Looking forward to moarrr.
Posted 10 months ago #
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