Tokyo has been selected as the 2020 venue for the world’s foremost celebration of fast-food sponsorship and televised entertainment, much to the delight of the Japanese.
Tokyo, first selected in 1964, will now be hosting the Olympics for the second time in its history.
Even an ongoing nuclear disaster was not enough to dissuade the IOC from picking Tokyo over a nation in the midst of economic collapse and another facing the serene glory of Islamism.
Aside from the mammoth cost of bribing the Olympic organisers to pick the city and the even more enormous cost of actually hosting it, there has been some concern about just what other measures the government actually took to get the event.
Immediately before the decision PM Abe was on hand to give a reality-defying presentation promising the freely flowing radioactive waters of Fukushima were “under control and pose no possible threat to Tokyo,” reassuring the press that “the contaminated water is completely contained in the harbour.”
Other reports suggest Tokyo may have promised to ban porn sales in its convenience stores because the IOC found them disagreeable, with only the likes of McDonald’s evidently being healthy enough for the Olympics.
In its best tsundere tradition, the Japanese Internet has been delightedly celebrating the award despite having spent the last year bemoaning the bid:
“We got it after all!”
“I couldn’t care less but for some reason when this was announced I ended up crying out with excitement…”
“We got it again…”
“I thought Istanbul would get it.”
“I’m more interested in how Abe managed to block off the sea.”
“Nobody is going to believe him…”
“Japanese technology is the envy of the world again.”
“Abe-chan is living in fantasy-land, it can’t be helped.”
“He hasn’t said a word about Fukushima to the Japanese people but he comes out with this for the overseas audience…”
“Amazing how they have it blocked off whilst it is flowing into the sea like that.”
“Amazing how he blocked off the sea around Fukushima from the rest of the ocean all of a sudden!”
“There is such a thing as taking a lie too far after all…”
“At least it got the porn out of our conbinis!”
“They can continue banning it after the event for all I care.”
“Who care about that anyway, nobody buys their porn in convenience stores any more.”
“Expect them to ban all the brothels too. They all ban foreigners so it would only cause trouble having them open.”
“Didn’t they do this in 1964 too?”
“If they get rid of all those eroge posters in Akihabara I’ll be happy.”
“Hopefully they’ll block all the moetard late night anime too.”
“I’d rather they cancel the Olympics than any late night anime!”
“Won’t this mean they’ll block Comiket because of all the ero-doujinshi?”
“If the IOC really did moan about that, what did they have to say about all the pachinko parlours?”